Chapter Seven: Goodbyes

Yesterday might have been one of the most exciting days I have had here in Maine yet. I had the chance to spend Sunday night in Northern(-er) Maine with a Baha'i family, then the next morning we were able to go APPLE PICKING! It was possibly the most fall-esque event I have ever done! We picked apples on top of a mountain, with the White Mountains in New Hampshire hovering in the distance. It was beautiful, chilly fall weather, with the sun peeking out behind clouds most of the morning. Two of my fellow youth serving at Green Acre were there with the family (composed of three sisters and their Mom!). We really had a fabulous time, and as we headed back down South to return to Green Acre, we brought one of the sisters, Anisa, with us to drop her at the bus station because she was headed to the airport to move to Czech Republic for a year to teach at a Baha'i School. I watched her say goodbye to everyone, and saw the emotions tug on everyone's hearts. In watching those goodbyes, I remembered all the painful goodbyes I have said in the past few years. I finally was able to see what saying goodbye is from an outside perspective, not from my own experience. It amazed me to see the pain I felt just watching someone else say goodbye and getting on a bus and going. Goodbyes hurt. There is absolutely no doubt about it. No matter how much you prepare to move somewhere new, or to go on a long trip somewhere, nothing in the world can prepare you for the tears that come with saying goodbye. You never think the pain will come, but it comes quickly and hangs heavy over your head, as drops of water slide down your face. I have said goodbyes with tears streaming as I hug goodbye, I have hidden tears that I wanted to cry while saying goodbye, I have cried after saying goodbye, I have not wanted to let go of people while saying goodbye, I have laughed while saying goodbye, I have even just flat out not said goodbye, out of fear and cowardice and desperation to escape the pain and guilt. And each time I left, I could never see what the future would hold for me. I only saw the past, and the guilt of leaving people behind. That is what each goodbye is to me: guiltiness. I feel the pain of saying goodbye, and once I am gone, I feel guilty that I left people. Guiltiness that I have to go on with my life, and more importantly, knowing the relationship with the people I have left will never be the same when I am actually gone. I grip tightly to the past, and especially to the people. But in watching Anisa leave, I wanted to send with her all the good thoughts I never thought when I moved or traveled somewhere new. Guiltiness is not helpful in anyway, neither is any type of negativity. They are extra heaviness that should never be checked as baggage. Unfortunately you can never see the future, but it seems to me, that you should cry at goodbye, feel the pain for the plane ride, then when you get to your destination: live as if everything is going to work out from this point on. It makes me think of something I learned in Iceland: "You will somehow end up somewhere, and that somewhere will be alright. It doesn't matter how you got there, but that you got there, and you're there to make the best of your surroundings".
Goodbyes hurt and are scary and full of pain, but if only we could all see the future, we would realize that each goodbye is just another exploration of ourselves, just another adventure, and everything will be okay. Those who truly love you will understand the necessity of saying goodbye, the necessity that you need to go where you are going, and that even if it doesn't work out, it will always work out.